Sad

I came into your room just now and you turned to me, full of enthusiasm for this little red gadget, a new mini speaker you have bought for your laptop.


I heard your words, as you explained how it works and why it is fantastic, but I saw the bed I have been asking you to change for days, the dumped clothes, the glasses and crockery that belong in the dishwasher.


So I listened with half an ear while you spoke, and then reminded you that you need to tidy and to change the bed, and you need to get it done before your friend comes over later today.


You said yes, you were going to do that now.  I saw the light leave your eyes and as your face fell my heart went with it.


For a moment my little boy was there in front of me again, face lit up and eyes aglow with excitement, wanting to share something with me as once we shared everything, and I let the opportunity go.

I will say that you're my favourite one in town

My little boy was twenty in July. Somehow, I never imagined this time. I thought vaguely sometimes of  'when he is grown up' but mostly I just got on with the present. It wasn't always easy being a single parent, there was never much money, but being everything to someone, is in my mind, a very precious thing, and we were very close.  Life has become simpler as he has got older and also more complicated. As the mother of my grown up little boy, I watch while he lives his life and makes decisions I don't necessarily agree with. My advice isn't always welcome, I am learning to wait until it's asked for, and to step back and let him find his path. He has grown up into a bright, caring wonderful man - I still want to write boy, but he is twenty, so I will write man and try to convince my heart.

The other day I came across this song by My Brightest Diamond. The singer wrote it for her son and I think it's beautiful.

'If you grow up to be king, or clown or pauper, I will say you are my favourite one in town...'