Wednesday, May 30, 2012

in the shadows

I wrote this a while back, intending to post it  for ME/CFS and FM Awareness Day on 12th May, and totally forgot to schedule it  to post while we were on holiday, and then when we got back I thought it was depressing so I didn't post it. Looking at it now I still think it's depressing but hell, that's the way it is. 

I don't want to write about this
I want to throw it all far away
 lock it in a box
stuff it under a cushion
ignore it

I don't want to write about the worst days
my giddiness, nausea, exhaustion, pain and confusion
The time I got hopelessly lost on a street I have known for years
The days I can't stand long enough to make a sandwich
Or raise my arms to dry my hair
When I can't read
Or understand the simplest tv plot
Or stand the noise
or the light

I wish people understood that
fatigue is the very least of it

I don't want to write about  
 standing (lying) here watching everyone else move forward
Seeing my own life pass me by
Worrying before every social occasion
How many days will I take to recover

I don't even want to write about the good days, 
when I feel enthusiastic and make plans
which time and again I can't carry out
I try to be positive but this negative situation
  means I am endlessly disappointed

I don't want to write about wondering how long I will be ill
and the possibility that I may never be well again

I don't even want to think about 
watching my own life 
from the shadows



  1. Debbie, this isn't depressing, it's beautiful. Those last four lines, heart wrenching.

    xo xo xo

    thinking of you as always.

  2. Sums it up beautifully Debbie. Thank you for posting it. And thank you for the links as well :)


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